To Ronin, my youngest
Dear Ronin,
Oh how we wanted to have another child. We tried to get pregnant for three years before we finally had you. I had been to fertility specialists, taken hormones, your dad was tested, and we just could not get and stay pregnant. Everything from being unable to conceive, to three miscarriages, and it seemed as though it would never work. Finally, after many different therapy options, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. It was such a strain on our marriage and family to constantly be taking medication, watching the calendar, and doing lots of home tests. I called the fertility doctor and said I wasn't going to move forward with IVF, our only next step. I was pregnant with you when I made the call and I just didn't know it yet. I was too tired to take more pregnancy tests, it was heart breaking every time. And then, my blood work came back from my visit a couple weeks earlier and I got a call from a nurse. Rhoda and Trevor had just bought a crazy old house that they were remodeling and I was helping her at her house. The nurse said, "You are pregnant Renae. But your hormone levels are too low, even with our medications you are on. It's unlikely the baby can make it. So please be ware, and if you believe in prayer, this is the time to do it". I didn't know how to react, be excited or miserable because we had already been down the loss road many times. I told Rhoda as we were painting Brynlee's room in their soon to be house. Only your dad and Rhoda knew and we continued anxiously. And obviously the pregnancy took and you ended up to be healthy and happy. We are so grateful for you and couldn't imagine life without you sweet boy.
After I was 16 weeks, I started to tell people. I was so excited but still kind of nervous. I had never had a miscarriage this late, so we felt ready to start to tell people. And after a few pregnancies and hormones, I was starting to show and people were giving me funny looks. I never told anyone about my miscarriages, it just wasn't something I felt ready to talk about. I've always been fairly private about this because it's so personal and everyone thinks they have the answers. It's frustrating when people tell me what to do, or try, or think, or not try, or not think. So what a relief it was to finally have good news to tell everyone. People regularly asked us why we weren't having more kids, so maybe this would cool their jets. It certainly cooled mine!
I was more sick with you than any other pregnancy. I think because I was on so many hormones to try and stay pregnant. They kept making me take more to keep my levels up and my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. Anyway, it made for long days and nights. But overall, your pregnancy flew by. You were fairly active in my tummy, somewhere in-between Shelby who moved constantly and Calvin who barely ever moved. I was told by the doctors that I did not have the option to deliver you naturally. It couldn't be done. I had to have a c-section. I was so scared to have a c-section! I already had lots of scars from Calvin and Shelby and now I get a new one. I wasn't worried about my scar, just more another injury since recovery isn't super easy. I'm sure it's easier than the alternative.
You were due one week after Christmas. Because it was a scheduled c-section we had to deliver you one week early. It was supposed to be on Christmas day. I couldn't do it. I begged them to let me go longer or earlier. Nope, they wouldn't do it. They said I could come in on Christmas Eve, which also sounded bad. Then I would be in the hospital over Christmas and your birthday would always be harder to celebrate. Anyway, I kept begging my doctor and they finally agreed to let me go after Christmas. They really wanted me to go in the day after. Luckily the hospital was too full, so they said I could go in on the 27th. I showed up at 5 am, which meant I really didn't sleep. Your dad was super tired too. He bought a gun for himself the night before and stayed up late playing with it. I had my parents watch Calvin and Shelby, so we were supposed to go on a date. But your dad was missing, not answering his phone, and I couldn't find him. When he finally came home, he finally told me he was buying a gun. We went to dinner late and had to wake up super early. We got to the hospital and they said they were too full, they couldn't admit me. Then they called my doctor and they said I wasn't able to go any more days so no choice hospital, I had to come in.
The c-section was very weird. We had received permission for your dad to stand up and watch the procedure. Since he does a lot of surgery and promised not to pass out. So he was standing and watching everything, and I was laying down under those crazy bright lights and the freezing cold room. Feeling a doctor pick up my insides and set them on my upper stomach made me so nauseated. The anesthesiologist gave me more meds, which made me very sleepy. But throwing up during a c-section isn't good either, so that was what we had to do. I heard you crying a little when you were born. They wrapped you up and brought you to me. I had tears running down my face and couldn't wait to hold you. But all I could do was snuggle you with my neck and one hand. After that, I was put completely out to get stitched up. Dad and Rhoda took you to the recovery room. I don't remember this part at all because they drug you a lot with a c-section. I met you again in our room.
Our hospital room was in the middle of construction so we had hammering, drilling, and lots of noises all night long. I stayed one night and then insisted they let us go home. Your dad slept through all the construction and I couldn't sleep a wink! You slept through it all too. Hopefully that means you can sleep well as you get older.
Your brother and sister love you to pieces. If anything, I have to watch very carefully to be sure that nobody messes with you when I leave the room. Calvin wants to lay next to you all the time. He brings you a blanket and is with you constantly. Shelby loves to talk to you, help feed you, and can't wait for you to start talking and walking.
When you were not even three months old we took a family road trip to southern California. It was 18 hours from our house and your dad didn't want to come with us. You were a champ and slept in the car and was the best baby ever. I could not have made that trip with any other baby. You loved being outside by the pool in California as we visited my grandma and grandpa Miller.
When you were little, I had to spend time in bed for many reasons. I went through some really hard things and needed to be in my room a lot. For this reason, I know you were meant to be in our family. You love to snuggle, lay with me, hug me, and comfort me. You ask me constantly to snuggle with you. Your dad and I went through a really hard time in our marriage. You didn't get to see him very much because you were nursing and it was a lot of time away from me because I had to work all day, so in the evening you didn't want to leave me. It was hard for you to not see your dad because you loved him too, but on the weekends you did get to see him.
You began talking at a young age, and you've never stopped. You have a lot to say, and your older siblings give you anything that you want. You're a little spoiled, but hopefully it won't mean you turn into a different kid than you are now. So far you're just hilarious and constantly keep us on our toes.
You were born at the perfect time and have helped your dad and I in ways that you won't understand until you're older. You helped bond us and appreciate each other. You have a way of brining people together. You love to get us to all play games together, and constantly be together. You don't like everyone separating and do different things. And I love that about you. You love family and togetherness and it's helped us a lot.
Oh how we wanted to have another child. We tried to get pregnant for three years before we finally had you. I had been to fertility specialists, taken hormones, your dad was tested, and we just could not get and stay pregnant. Everything from being unable to conceive, to three miscarriages, and it seemed as though it would never work. Finally, after many different therapy options, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. It was such a strain on our marriage and family to constantly be taking medication, watching the calendar, and doing lots of home tests. I called the fertility doctor and said I wasn't going to move forward with IVF, our only next step. I was pregnant with you when I made the call and I just didn't know it yet. I was too tired to take more pregnancy tests, it was heart breaking every time. And then, my blood work came back from my visit a couple weeks earlier and I got a call from a nurse. Rhoda and Trevor had just bought a crazy old house that they were remodeling and I was helping her at her house. The nurse said, "You are pregnant Renae. But your hormone levels are too low, even with our medications you are on. It's unlikely the baby can make it. So please be ware, and if you believe in prayer, this is the time to do it". I didn't know how to react, be excited or miserable because we had already been down the loss road many times. I told Rhoda as we were painting Brynlee's room in their soon to be house. Only your dad and Rhoda knew and we continued anxiously. And obviously the pregnancy took and you ended up to be healthy and happy. We are so grateful for you and couldn't imagine life without you sweet boy.
After I was 16 weeks, I started to tell people. I was so excited but still kind of nervous. I had never had a miscarriage this late, so we felt ready to start to tell people. And after a few pregnancies and hormones, I was starting to show and people were giving me funny looks. I never told anyone about my miscarriages, it just wasn't something I felt ready to talk about. I've always been fairly private about this because it's so personal and everyone thinks they have the answers. It's frustrating when people tell me what to do, or try, or think, or not try, or not think. So what a relief it was to finally have good news to tell everyone. People regularly asked us why we weren't having more kids, so maybe this would cool their jets. It certainly cooled mine!
I was more sick with you than any other pregnancy. I think because I was on so many hormones to try and stay pregnant. They kept making me take more to keep my levels up and my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. Anyway, it made for long days and nights. But overall, your pregnancy flew by. You were fairly active in my tummy, somewhere in-between Shelby who moved constantly and Calvin who barely ever moved. I was told by the doctors that I did not have the option to deliver you naturally. It couldn't be done. I had to have a c-section. I was so scared to have a c-section! I already had lots of scars from Calvin and Shelby and now I get a new one. I wasn't worried about my scar, just more another injury since recovery isn't super easy. I'm sure it's easier than the alternative.
You were due one week after Christmas. Because it was a scheduled c-section we had to deliver you one week early. It was supposed to be on Christmas day. I couldn't do it. I begged them to let me go longer or earlier. Nope, they wouldn't do it. They said I could come in on Christmas Eve, which also sounded bad. Then I would be in the hospital over Christmas and your birthday would always be harder to celebrate. Anyway, I kept begging my doctor and they finally agreed to let me go after Christmas. They really wanted me to go in the day after. Luckily the hospital was too full, so they said I could go in on the 27th. I showed up at 5 am, which meant I really didn't sleep. Your dad was super tired too. He bought a gun for himself the night before and stayed up late playing with it. I had my parents watch Calvin and Shelby, so we were supposed to go on a date. But your dad was missing, not answering his phone, and I couldn't find him. When he finally came home, he finally told me he was buying a gun. We went to dinner late and had to wake up super early. We got to the hospital and they said they were too full, they couldn't admit me. Then they called my doctor and they said I wasn't able to go any more days so no choice hospital, I had to come in.
The c-section was very weird. We had received permission for your dad to stand up and watch the procedure. Since he does a lot of surgery and promised not to pass out. So he was standing and watching everything, and I was laying down under those crazy bright lights and the freezing cold room. Feeling a doctor pick up my insides and set them on my upper stomach made me so nauseated. The anesthesiologist gave me more meds, which made me very sleepy. But throwing up during a c-section isn't good either, so that was what we had to do. I heard you crying a little when you were born. They wrapped you up and brought you to me. I had tears running down my face and couldn't wait to hold you. But all I could do was snuggle you with my neck and one hand. After that, I was put completely out to get stitched up. Dad and Rhoda took you to the recovery room. I don't remember this part at all because they drug you a lot with a c-section. I met you again in our room.
Our hospital room was in the middle of construction so we had hammering, drilling, and lots of noises all night long. I stayed one night and then insisted they let us go home. Your dad slept through all the construction and I couldn't sleep a wink! You slept through it all too. Hopefully that means you can sleep well as you get older.
Your brother and sister love you to pieces. If anything, I have to watch very carefully to be sure that nobody messes with you when I leave the room. Calvin wants to lay next to you all the time. He brings you a blanket and is with you constantly. Shelby loves to talk to you, help feed you, and can't wait for you to start talking and walking.
When you were not even three months old we took a family road trip to southern California. It was 18 hours from our house and your dad didn't want to come with us. You were a champ and slept in the car and was the best baby ever. I could not have made that trip with any other baby. You loved being outside by the pool in California as we visited my grandma and grandpa Miller.
When you were little, I had to spend time in bed for many reasons. I went through some really hard things and needed to be in my room a lot. For this reason, I know you were meant to be in our family. You love to snuggle, lay with me, hug me, and comfort me. You ask me constantly to snuggle with you. Your dad and I went through a really hard time in our marriage. You didn't get to see him very much because you were nursing and it was a lot of time away from me because I had to work all day, so in the evening you didn't want to leave me. It was hard for you to not see your dad because you loved him too, but on the weekends you did get to see him.
You began talking at a young age, and you've never stopped. You have a lot to say, and your older siblings give you anything that you want. You're a little spoiled, but hopefully it won't mean you turn into a different kid than you are now. So far you're just hilarious and constantly keep us on our toes.
You were born at the perfect time and have helped your dad and I in ways that you won't understand until you're older. You helped bond us and appreciate each other. You have a way of brining people together. You love to get us to all play games together, and constantly be together. You don't like everyone separating and do different things. And I love that about you. You love family and togetherness and it's helped us a lot.
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