Apr 17, 2017

And then there was one

I got a call today from the embryologist and only one of our embryos has cleared testing. One beautiful little boy who has all the DNA we need. One perfect little embryo who has made it through thick and thin and did everything he was supposed to. I am happy that it's more than zero.

And yet, I was really hoping for more than one. I think I pictured this difficult decision one day where I would have to chose the gender and ask myself hard questions like "how many do I implant?". When the doctor called I just cried. To go from 20 eggs to 12 to 6 to 3 to 1. Just doesn't seem like the odds are in our favor. I called Caleb right away and he is always trying to cheer me up. "Babe, one is better than zero. At least we have one! It's going to be ok". I know he's trying to cheer me up. But I worry about our odds since I've had a few miscarriages and difficulties in the past. I just hate the pressure of just one shot to get it right. And the doctor isn't sure how soon we can proceed because my blood count is still too low. I am still very anemic. They test me every week and I barely changed at all in one weeks time. I take these nasty iron pills, prenatal pills, I'm still basically on bed rest, and my blood count barely moved. Is this depressing or what? Sorry, I'm just in a sad place right now. But I'm not ungrateful and I do understand that we have on embryo and it could have been zero. I totally understand that. And I will be happy and excited and do everything I can to get ready for the big implantation time. But today I was just sad. Relieved it wasn't zero, but also sad that it's down to one. Praying and hoping that when the time comes, this little baby sticks! Literally.

Apr 6, 2017

New dental chairs and cabinet

This is the most exciting transformation yet. I mean, seriously, this before and after....crazy!!!

Most comfortable dental chair ever!

New cabinet and floors

Caleb needed stitching that reminded him of motorcycles

Old versus new doctors chair
Old cabinet

Old dental chairs

Side by side comparison of old versus new

Day 5 results

I'm still home recovering from surgery. The embryologist called today and only 3 of the eggs have made it to day 5. They are sending them for DNA testing. I got off the phone right away and just cried, and cried. And text my sister. And called Caleb. And then cried. And then I found some really sad movies to watch that made me cry harder.

Then my doctor called me:

They also said that I can't have any implantation or plans to implant until my blood count is back up. Obviously babies need blood, and I don't have enough. Here's what he said:

My hemoglobin should be at minimum 12, preferably higher. It's currently 8.
My hematocrit should be at minimum 35, preferably in the 40s. It's currently at 23.

Then he gives me permission to eat LIVER. GROSS! And steak, and spinach. I've been eating chicken broth, and chocolate. Probably not the diet he was hoping for.

We were initially going to try and implant in May, but he doesn't think that will happen. And we don't even know the DNA results for two more weeks. We may not end up with anything viable. And then we would have to decide if we do it again, or not....

On the bright side, because there always is one, I have the best family and friends an girl could ask for. I have had meals, treats, babysitters, texts, and just the very best people in my life. I am always very private about myself and tend not to share. But it's impossible to manage all this and not tell people. We needed help. And it was so hard to ask for it, but I am so glad I did. Because it helps me realize how amazing people are. And how willing they are to help.

Feeling very blessed. And praying hourly that these three littles have at least one that survives.

Apr 4, 2017

Unplanned hospital trip

I went in on Thursday the 30th as planned. Everything went well. They only got 12 mature eggs, and we were hoping for more based on the tests. So that's not a great number, but it's not terrible. My wonderful friend Lindsey brought me home from Portland. The doctor gave me Tylenol with Codeine for cramping and said to go home and rest. You get a local sedation for the procedure, and Versed, which is my new favorite drug. So fun! It made me so happy! Lindsey and I got an hour drive home to catch up. She stayed here for a bit and I fed her daughter Lizzie fun snacks and started to feel crampy. They told me to expect cramps, so I told Lindsey that I was going to bed and she left and headed home to Portland. That was around 11:30 am. I ate a piece of banana bread, took my Tylenol and hoped for good sleep.

Around 2:30 I was not feeling well at all. I started to really get nervous. I had this overwhelming feeling that something was not right. I called the doctor and spoke to a nurse. She said things like "Everyone experiences pain differently. For some women, they do cramp more. Try a heating pad and rest". That is not what I wanted to hear, but fine. I was being a baby. I got the message. I kept feeling pressure so I went to the bathroom and on my way back I got super sweaty, nauseated, and shaky. That's not me. I knew again, something is not right. So I did what any grown woman would do, I called my mom. She was watching my kids, but I said I needed her to come over. I was alone and something was wrong. She said she would throw the kids in the car and be right here.

I called the doctor back at 3:15 said, this is getting worse, not better. I need help. She agreed to call in some Vicodin pills for me. I called her right back and asked for anti-nausea because I had flu like symptoms happening. My mom went to go get the meds before she came over because I needed something quickly.

Then I did what I hated to do, call Caleb. Like a psycho, over and over. No answer. No answer.

It's now 4:15 and I called the doctor back. I said I took the pain meds, and anti-nausea and I was still dying. It was getting worse. She said "Don't go to the ER, they don't know how to handle this. Reproductive medicine is very complex and we don't want them to mishandle you. You can come to the clinic tomorrow at 11:30". I asked if I could go to my OBGYN who is very close and knows me quite well. She said no, they really don't advise that for the same reasons.

So sit and suffer? I called Caleb like 10 more times. Finally, I called his work. I didn't even know the number. I called the wrong office. They transferred me. They said Caleb was in surgery but he can talk to me if it's an emergency. I said "no, just tell him to call me when he's done". As soon as I hung up the phone I felt like that wasn't the best decision.

My sister, who is practically my doctor, was in California visiting my grandparents. They have no cell reception. I texted and called her but it wouldn't go through. So I called my grandma and she wants to chat and make small talk. I did the best I could because I didn't know what to say. Finally Rhoda gets on the phone and I tell her what's going on. She told me to get to the hospital and to get Caleb home.

Finally Caleb calls me back. I told him what the nurse said and what Rhoda said. He said he had a few more patients and did I need him to leave now or come home when he was done? I told him to come home after his patients. After all, the nurse wasn't worried so why should I be. By the way, Caleb was working an hour away in Eugene.

Next thing I know Caleb is home. I had been laying in bed in so much pain. Almost passed out many times. And just trying not to throw up. He walked in and took one look at me and said "You look awful". He took my pulse, and then my blood pressure. Such a cute doctor thing to do. My BP was 80/40. He told me I am going to the hospital. NOOOOO! I hated that answer. I despise the hospital. I told him I couldn't sit up to get there. He said too bad, and he went and got the car ready.

We got to the hospital and he took me into the triage area. The nurses all disappeared and all of a sudden I was going down. I was in a wheelchair mind you, but I had to get on the floor ASAP. Caleb prevents me and grabs me and lays my head on his lap and swings my feet around onto a chair. The nurses come back in and I'm passed out. They took my BP again, it's the same, not good. So they immediately wheel me to the back room. They do an ultrasound and said I have internal bleeding and need immediate surgery.

The doctor says "We don't know where the bleeding is coming from. We need to cut you open, we don't know how big yet, but you're going to have a major surgery. General anesthesia and you may lose an ovary. We may need to do CPR, are you ok with that?" Caleb says "Let's try and avoid CPR". And I said "Are you telling them Do Not Resuscitate? I know I'm old, but seriously". That's my favorite and only enjoyable part of all this. I kept trying to make jokes with everyone and they thought I was nuts. They gave me a breathing tube and some other horrid contraption because I had that ONE piece of banana bread. That way I didn't choke and die, I get it, but that sucker hurt! They do a couple more tests, confirm what we already know. They won't give me any pain meds because my BP is too low. It took about three hours before they took me to surgery.

After surgery, they told me the news. Good news, they did not have to open me up like they thought. They were able to go in orthroscopically. They also were able to save my ovary. They put some stuff to patch the huge hole in it. I had three holes from the laproscopic surgery. I also had to get a blood transfusion because I was too low. They got a liter of blood out of my stomach area. Crazy. The body only has 5 liters, so losing one in your stomach is bad. And is what was making me so sick.

I stayed in the hospital for three days recovering. My blood count is still super low. I am on bed rest and limited activity. I am supposed to eat and drink as much as I can to recover. And I've been in bed ever since.

The clinic called and said 6 of the eggs fertilized. They will call me to let me know how many of them make it to day 5. After day 5, they will do DNA testing and freeze them.

Checking in for surgery

TMI! Sorry. Three days later and  I look pregnant! Swelling, fluids, bruising, good stuff

Super fat fingers from all the swelling

Amazing hair day. My sister bathed me and I went to bed with wet hair.
Had to capture this beauty!

Mar 28, 2017

Trigger shot time!

Ok, so I went in for my final ultrasound and they finally said my eggs are the right sizes and so are my hormones. So I get a trigger shot, my last shot, on Tuesday the 28. Then on Thursday the 30th, we go in and have the egg retrieval done. Caleb will go with me and do his thing at the same time I do mine. Then the embryologist meets up our parts and tries to fertilize. We will find out on the 30th how many eggs they were able to get. But we won't know if they fertilized or not until the day after. I am so ready to be done with my shots. And done trying to hide this from everyone. They said it will take a couple of weeks before the swelling goes down, but at least the pressure is immediately gone.

Mar 26, 2017

Meds aren't going as planned

I've gone in for ultrasounds every other day for the last week. My stomach feels huge, is very bruised, but my eggs aren't growing as much as they hoped. So they doubled the Follistim dose to 300 instead of 150. I am also taking Ganirelix now too in the morning. It's pretty interesting getting shots every morning and going to work. I'm trying to find stretch pants and sometimes they even feel too tight. They were hoping that I would trigger sooner and the egg retrieval would be on Monday 3/27, but the little eggs aren't growing as fast, so they are adding more days. Every day that I extend the shots costs us $1,000. Obviously when you get this far into it, you wouldn't wan to stop for that. But now I know why the range is so spread out on cost. You don't know if it will happen sooner, or later, and every time they double the dose, it's more money. And more fluid I have to be injected with. Boo. Hoping my eggs get the message and start growing so we can trigger soon.

Mar 21, 2017

Happy Anniversary

Our wedding anniversary was on Sunday, March 19th. And what did we do? The most romantic thing ever of course! We went to a Journey concert, ate amazing Thai food, and stayed up way too late with no kids!! Before we could leave for the concert, he gave me my shots. They don't make me feel that amazing, but it's not too bad. I was kind of sick at first, but I think it was coincidental because I don't feel sick anymore.

The next morning, we slept in, way too late, and then we went and volunteered at a soup kitchen. Maybe not romantic to some, but it was amazing. So fun to spend time together. Caleb even broke up a fight between two of the ladies and showed he's still strong and manly.

Happy anniversary babe. This is going to be a good year!

Laying down to get my shots

Read, set, stab!

Concert time